acarrie07

I Thought I Knew, But I Was Wrong

Fri, 04 Jun 2004 06:59:18 GMT

Hey guys...so much has happened here lately it's not even funny. I found me the BEST guy in the world: he's smart, funny, wonderful, AMAZING, by far one of the best things that's came into my life EVER. He reminds me of this guy my mom used to date, Rick. Rick was a really wonderful guy.

Anyways, his name is JJ, he's from Genoa and he just graduated. It may seem like I rushed things with him in certain ways, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
   Personally, for me, it's been the BEST month and a half of my life. We had been going out a little over a month yesterday. Yesterday changed all my happiness though.
    I have found something I don't want to let go, it's the last thing I want to do.
     Yesterday, he went to Dallas b/c I was going with FCCLA and he wanted to. So we ended up spending the day at Six Flags together. But when he left, he went to see this girl, Julie. Now, he'd written Julie an email before and I'd gotten pretty upset at what it said. But the thing is, I didn't know he was going to visit her. He just did.
    So, I finally got home last night *there were some big storms, so we had to wait around before we traveled* and I'm looking on a site, and come across his guestbook with a message from her saying she enjoyed the time he spent with her.
     Do you know how that made me feel?! I felt so awful reading that, thoughts entered my mind about what happened. It's not that I don't trust him, it's just that I know the things he said to her and she said to him.
     I ended up finding out that him and her kissed today, by none other than her BEST FRIEND which really sucked. I felt like I had been played for a fool. Of course, all reaction was *DUMP HIM*, but I couldn't do that. It would be like letting go of the best thing that's happened to me, which is so stupid.
      He came and picked me up tonight, and everything was discussed. He pretty much came to a decision for us to be friends with benefits....but can I be that way? It all goes back to my PREVIOUS entry about friends with benefits. I'm not going to be able to stay that way forever and it just KILLS me to think of him possibly being with someone else. Friends with benefits or whatever is going to be SO hard because I would love nothing more than to be only his, but to be honest, he's even said it, he doesn't deserve me.
    So much to the girl, the "Carrie" that hated love. I Love Him. I can't stop that.
     Can me and him be just that or will I always want more? Does he want this so he can be with her? Will me and him ever be US again?
     It just kills me to think about it. I don't want to lose him, I really don't. Then again, why would I want him back?
     Most guys don't admit to a wrong they've done, but he did. He's someone that I truly care about.
     Here's where I pose a question: I know you've heard the saying, "Once a player, always a player". Is this always true? And if players are always going to be players, what are they? Players come across to me as someone who wants love so bad, they're afraid if they get rid of a girl/guy that they would lose them.
     Can two people stay friends with benefits very long? I know it's going to be hard for me knowing that I love him so much and don't want to leave him. It's the hardest thing I'm going to have to do.
     Can you truly be only friends with someone that you want to be with? And if you can, how long can it last?
      I've fallen hard for this guy and know he doesn't deserve me, but I would take him back in a heartbeat even though he's *not good for me, he'll do it again*.
       What will happen if I lose THIS relationship? It's so much different than mine and ANYONE else's, including Brock and Alex. This guy I can turly say I love him. He's my wonderful. Now here's where it gets a lil confusing: Does he want me? And if he does, When will there be a sign of us being back again? I just want him to know that I will wait for as long as it takes to get him back.
Even though he feels like he doesn't deserve me, which is true, I don't care about hat. What I do care about is the fact that I would do ANYTHING it took to hold onto him. Only time will tell though.
   Is there any way that you can forgive someone for something like that, and if so, can you forget it?

Secure Choices

Sun, 30 May 2004 17:47:15 GMT

   This isn't about anyone or anything in particular, I just came across a thought today I thought was pretty interesting and I haven't written in a while, so I decided why not!
   It seems to me that everyone makes secure choices and it really affects their lives. We take the secure job instead of following our dream for the security of having a home, food to eat, and a "good" life. We make friends in the security of having a higher social ranking. We make sure we are involved in every activity/club in high school so we can make the secure choice of college, get a good career even if it isn't our dream, and have a good life, without our passions.
   What if somewhere along the path of life, you find someone that you really care about and let them go? Then, they move on, yet you wait patiently hoping they will return to you and never do. Before you know it, you yourself have moved on with another person.
    Even though everything seems perfect, they've moved on, you've moved on, everytime you see them, you wish they were still yours.
    Before you know it, the person you still have feelings for stops by and you talk about the times you've had together. Everything rushes back to you and it's a little scary, but you like it. It seems as if even though you've moved on, you're still with that person.
    Here's where a secure choice comes in. Both people have moved on and started relationships with someone new, since they feel that is a secure choice. Even though they both know that they do truly love each other, they stay with the one they are with. Is this a secure choice based on the fact that you love each other so much that you believe you aren't good enough for them? Or is it secure because they know that the relationship they're in now is sort of a cushion for the world to see that they've "moved on" and would be seen as weak to return to the other person?
    Either way you look at it, secure choices have made them unhappy. The person they're with has become such a secure choice they're afraid to take a chance on something real. In time they'll realize they were meant for each other, but what if it's too late?

Don't Tell Me

Wed, 14 Apr 2004 03:10:21 GMT

Don't try to tell me what to say, you're better off that way. I am so tired of being used!!! I don't know why I even go to him everytime I want to be kissed or just need some company. Brock is just addictive I swear! He's just too...I don't know how to explain it, but if I could find a word, he would be it!!
I really like A-ROD and I know that some of the things I do with Brock could be bad for me and him if we ever try to go out again. Then another part of me is saying, "You're single! Live it up."

    Why do I feel like this about Brock? I know that I really don't care about him as much as I think I do. He and I are just friends......with benefits lol.
   I just wish I knew where I stood to him. Maybe I'm not a friend to him, just someone he can go to. That's pretty much all we amount to. Something for each other, just not in a major romantic way. We hardly ever talk.
   Anyways, off of Brock and on to Alex. He's such as sweetheart and I really miss him bunchez. I know he is with Kendall and I'm happy for him but the rest of me is saying I want him to come back to me. Maybe he will in due time.
    I'm going to leave here now, I may call Alex. Do you think I should call Brock and ask him where we stand? Should I be just friends with benefits or nothing at all?
    If that is what we end up being, is there any way two people can have all the benefits without the relationship and one never fall for the other?

Stupid

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 22:18:03 GMT

"It's all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes. How stupid could I be? A simpleton could see that you're no good for me, but you're the only one I see."
Sarah Mclachlan

That's exactly how I feel. Why do I even call Brock? To think maybe for one second he might actually want to talk to me instead of seeing what he canNOT get this time? I don't know why I am. He may come by tonight. If he does, I don't know what i'll do. I'm too weak to tell him no, and too naive to know he doesn't care about me. It seems so weird how I know he's no good for me and doesn't care, but I still fall for it.

The Chair and Broken Promises

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 01:39:08 GMT

       Aren't you always tired of hearing, "I'm going to, I promise"?! I always fall for a guy's line of that when he "promises" to do something. Any guy. It could be coming over or anything. I don't know why I'm stupid enough to fall for the line. I'm just too naive and believe that there's actually one ounce, one drop of good in people. Maybe there isn't, at least not the majority of people. Then again, there is good in people. Jesus died for the world's sin, so we could live. So maybe there is hope. Guys are good, don't get me wrong, just sometimes misleading. Although I don't like it when promises are broken, I still believe them when they tell me that again.
        I was listening to The Chair earlier, and it made me think of a ceartain Thursday night, April Fools Day. I was talking on the phone to someone (let's call him George). Anyways, George stopped by. We listened to the radio and talked about how we hadn't seen each other in a while since both of us are so busy lately. We were listening to The Chair and all of a sudden George and I were kissing.
          He's an excellent kisser, and I love his kisses, but I don't know how things will work out between us. Only time will tell, but it ain't talking. I'm on spring break this week though so maybe we can do something together!!!!

Can women date like men?

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 13:40:38 GMT

I'm beginning to think women can date like men....In fact, I may test out my hypothesis. Get a guy to fall for me, make him love me, then dump him. Unless it's someone I really care about. But if it was someone who's treated me bad in the past, I wouldn't care!

On second thought, I won't stoop down to a guy's level. I won't be unconsiderate, unkind, cheat, and do all the other crap guys do. I'm better than that.
But if some women do date like men, do they come out of the relationship with no feeling like men? And if they do, should they? Or should we all stop shoulding ourselves and just try?

Mr. Taaffe....My Mr. Big?

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 03:29:41 GMT

So the game wasn't so bad. Brock didn't say anything to me, as always as he does for weeks after he gets what he wants out of me. I really don't care though because it's happened before. It's the same cycle with him. Makeout, makeout, leave me, don't hear from him for a while, go to Foreman, and it starts all over. I don't know why I fall for his shit. I mean, I can't stand him. I can't stand the way he looks, his eyes, his BUTT in football or baseball pants, how he says baby, the power he has over me, the way he drives and tries to hit everything possible. But most of all i hate the way I DON'T hate all these things and I really care about him.

I guess in a way, he's like my Mr. Big. He's a sweetheart, and I know I really care for him, but I just can't stand him sometimes.

He's my weakness and I can't help that. I hate it, but I love it all the same. Brock's just him and no one can change him....and I love that about him.

I can't explain how I feel about him and sure as hell can't tell you how he feels about me, if he has even ANY feelings at all he sure can hide them. It's so weird how he can look at me and I can't say NO.

     That's one of my many weaknesses with him...I can't say NO. He's just so irresistable to me! I may not like it, but it's a fact. I can't tell Brock NO.
       Back to the day....lol. The game was pretty fun, Holly introduced me to Corey, he's really hott and so is #7, but I think Corey seems pretty cool. I may call him later if I can even remember his number.
       Thursday's Brock BREWER'S birthday and senior skip day. Then we're out Friday through the 18th for spring break. I'll be going to Bossier City to see Kenny Chesney (JOY..NOT). Maybe it will be fun.

As for A-ROD, he's still with Kendall!

Prince Charming and Mr. Right

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 14:15:42 GMT

Hey again. Here we start on another boring day. Actually, today might not be so bad. I'm going to Foreman to a baseball game with Holly. We're going to have so much fun. She's on another one of her attempts to hook me up with a Foreman guy...LOL. I used to date a guy in Foreman named Brock...but that was ALL wrong. Still, even though I know he's wrong for me, somehow I manage to always ride home with him! It's so annoying sometimes, but I can't tell him no.
That's another weakness of mine--Guys named Brock. I used to really have a MAJOR crush on Brock Brewer, and I admit if he were to ask me out (which he NEVER WOULD) but hypothetically speaking, I couldn't resist. Both of the Brocks in my life are special, each in their own way, and I wouldn't trade them for the world (well, maybe Mr. Taaffe, but ya know lol JK)

Anyways, I really wish both of them the best life has to offer. Brock Taaffe especially because although he doesn't treat me the best all the time, I still really care about him.

Holly is trying to get me hooked up with this guy named Corey from Foreman, but I'm not sure how I'm going to do there because Brock's going to be there and I can't tell him NO. *sings*I need 10 thousand angels, watchin over me tonight.* Actually Holly says I need more than that, which is true. I don't know why I can't say no, but he's just my addiction.

Wish me luck tonight!

I'm A Carrie

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 04:34:37 GMT

Mr. Right....He's got to be out there right? I mean, you know somewhere walking around the streets, anywhere in the world there's bound to be a guy with it all. He's got great looks, a great job, great hair, great clothes. He's a momma's boy, but stands up for himself. Actually, two of these guys exist. Too bad they're dating each other! I really love this guy, Alex, but I screwed things up by dumping him, it's all good though.

I'm a Carrie...what the hell is that, right? Carrie Bradshaw, sex columnist from Sex and the City. She's pretty cool. Kinda like me hehe. She's convinced that Mr. Right DOESN'T exist, and posed the question: Can women have sex like men?
I know all of ya'll are riding this and thinking the wrong things....NO this isn't about my NONEXISTENT sex life...it's about my life in general. I'm having a problem you'll know.

Anyways, back to Alex. I met him about this time last year, at my ex boyfriend's party. He was pretty cool. I was crushing on him and added him to my messenger. We talked all night and pretty much all summer that way. Then, we went to the fair together and had SO MUCH FUN! Holly (my best friend) and her boyfriend came over the next day, so did A-ROD, and we watched movies. He wasn't feeling very good, but it was okay because I really cared about him. I cared about him so much I broke up with him about a week later. STUPID me huh? Now he has a girlfriend (Kendall) and he really cares about her. She doesn't like me, and I love him.
But like I said at the beginning: Mr. Right DOESN'T EXIST. I'm going to leave you with one simple question: Can women go into relationships like men?